Over 18s jokes - 2013

The light-hearted side of life
Fuggsy
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Thu Apr 18 2013 10:03am

One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women."
The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"

The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.

Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women."

The Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."

The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.

The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.

"Just checking for wasps." replied the boy.
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Fuggsy
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Fri Apr 19 2013 9:16am

Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every bunker, water hazard and piece of rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is the proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those girls to let us play through." He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back.
"I can't do it," he said, "one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small world!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Sat Apr 20 2013 11:32am

Johnny was an 8-year old in remedial class. One day his teacher asked him a question. "Johnny, if there are five crows on a fence and the farmer shoots one, how many are left?". "None." comes the reply. "Sorry Johnny, but that's wrong. Think again".
"None, miss." is the reply once again.
"Could you explain please, Johnny?" asked the bemused teacher. "Okay," agrees Johnny, "he shoots one and there is blood and guts everywhere. So the others fly off terrified.".
"Well that's not exactly the answer I was looking for, the answer is four. But I do like the way you were thinking." remarked the teacher.
"Could I ask you a question, miss?" asked Johnny.
"Certainly, Johnny."
"Three woman are walking down the road. One is licking an ice lolly, one is sucking an ice lolly and the other is biting an ice lolly. Which one is married?"
The teacher ponders the question for a few moments then replies, "The one licking the ice lolly!" she answers.
"No," retorts Johnny, "the one wearing the wedding ring. But I do like the way you were thinking.".
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1960mackem
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by 1960mackem » Mon Apr 22 2013 10:12am

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about ?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man.

"After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Thu Apr 25 2013 9:28am

Little Johnny comes home from Catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad," said Johnny, "It wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny", the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women! Just leave it alone!"

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk about this!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. But now I know she doesn't like that, so I pushed it back in!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Fri Apr 26 2013 9:54am

There is a blond driving through the country. She has just died her hair brown because she is sick of being made fun of. She is really hungry. She stops at a farmers house and says "Hi! If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" Farmer says ok. She quickly counts them and says "91!" The farmer looks around puzzeledly and says "Ok. Take one." When the Blond is walking back to her car the farmer asks "If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Mon Apr 29 2013 10:17am

At an international meeting, two surgeons were having an argument.
The Indian surgeon was saying, 'No no no, I am telling you it is Woomba.'

The African surgeon is saying, 'No Man, it is hoooooommmmmm.'

They go on like this for about 10 minutes. Up comes the English surgeon, and interrupts them. 'Excuse me chaps, but I do believe that the word you are trying to say is 'womb'.

After he has gone away, the African turns to the Indian and says, 'I bet you he has never even seen a hippopotamus, much less heard one fart under water.
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Tue Apr 30 2013 9:12am

A burglar breaks into an isolated country house after watching the whole family depart for a night out on the town. As he creeps across the darkened living room he hears a voice saying: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". The burglar shines his penlight torch around the room, but sees nothing. He takes another step, and he hears it again: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". This time he realizes the voice comes from above, and when he shines his torch around he sees a parrot sitting on top of a cupboard. It looks him in the eye and says: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". The burglar laughs and says "You're just a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye and says "I'm a parrot and my name is Ebenezer". The burglar laughs again, and says "Ebenezer is a pretty silly name for a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye, waits until he has stopped laughing, and says:
"I agree completely......
....and Jesus is a pretty silly name for a rotweiler".
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Thu May 02 2013 9:30am

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost.

The owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad,"

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores... ...same old faces. Hi Ray...long time no see"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by adamred6 » Thu May 02 2013 6:42pm

Somebody pinched my wifes nickers off the washing line last night Im not bothered about the nickers I just want my 12 pegs back
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