Over 18s jokes - 2013

The light-hearted side of life
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by an6ypan6y » Tue May 28, 2013 12:23 pm

I got myself one of those anti bullying wristbands today...


I nicked it off a fat kid!
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Wed May 29, 2013 10:31 am

Johnny's parrot had just fallen off its perch and died. It was lying on its back on the bottom of the cage, its legs pointing upwards. Johnny asked his father, "Dad, when birds die, why do their feet always point upwards?"

"Well, Johnny, they do that so that God can reach down, take them by the claws and pull them up into Heaven."
Next day when Dad got home from work, Johnny rushed over to him and said, "Gee Dad, we nearly lost Mum today."

"What do you mean?" queried his father.

"Well, I heard these noises upstairs so I rushed up to see what was happening. There was Mum, lying on the bed, with he legs pointing straight up and she was yelling, "God, I'm coming." If it hadn't been for the gardener holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by 1960mackem » Wed May 29, 2013 10:38 am

Some Old, Some New, Some Borrowed, some Blue and a lot not P.C.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."


My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.


Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.


After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.


Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.


Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said 'white' they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.


Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.


A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...


Just a reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in last year's riots ....your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty runs out soon.


Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka!


In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.


Sailing results are in: GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle-aged couple from Weymouth .


An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan! He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well -- Prophets are going through the roof!!


Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, sod the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!'


Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by an6ypan6y » Thu May 30, 2013 10:28 am

Yellow 24

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320 Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know that I've got Yellow 24."

"F*** me," says the bingo caller, "Yellow 24…?!! - You've won the raffle as well !!
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Thu May 30, 2013 10:34 am

The blonde walked into the hardware store and asked the young man behind the counter for a door hook.

"Would you like a screw for that hook?", he asked.

"No chance!", said the blonde, "but I'll give you a blow job for that watering can over there."
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1960mackem
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by 1960mackem » Fri May 31, 2013 9:00 am

LITTLE JOHNNY'S SISTER
OH No !!! He has a sister ????????????


Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"

Before her mother could raise a concern,
Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,
"Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

:o :lol:
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Sat Jun 01, 2013 10:22 am

A girl was browsing around the sex shop and stopped at the dildo counter.

"I'll have that one - the tartan one with the big white top", she said.

"Sorry", said the Manager, "that's not for sale.... that's my thermos flask."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Sun Jun 02, 2013 9:46 am

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny.
He replies,"None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"
The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU.
There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,... but I like your thinking."

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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by an6ypan6y » Sun Jun 02, 2013 8:31 pm

I saw on the news that Jo Brand got hit by a train.


Seems she can make me laugh
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Mon Jun 03, 2013 9:39 am

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers: 'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
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