Over 18s jokes - 2013

The light-hearted side of life
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Tue Jun 04, 2013 9:15 am

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car pass the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace".

Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly,
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose yousave the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat,and "....then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to
do when Daddy was in the Navy."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by an6ypan6y » Tue Jun 04, 2013 11:25 am

A lad walks in to his parents, bedroom to find his dad giving his mum one.

The dad laughs throws a pillow at the lad and tells him to get out.

Hours later the dad hears a commotion coming from the lad's bedroom.

He enters the bedroom to find the lad giving his nan one.

The dad looks horrified.



Not so funny when it's your mum is it...? says the lad.
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by kevinchess1 » Tue Jun 04, 2013 8:51 pm

Sex Facts,

.Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself..
Moral: In life no one helps you, once you're f**ked.

#...Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got f**ked to achieve it.

#...What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the F**k! and What a F88k!

#...3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!

#...Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.

#...Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life.......

According To William Sexfear A Drunk Guy Is A Liability, But A Drunk Girl Is An Asset.
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Wed Jun 05, 2013 8:46 am

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mummy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mum, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mum heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Thu Jun 06, 2013 9:01 am

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 1urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, Miss, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Tue Jun 11, 2013 9:11 am

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want,"

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice..but pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls. So the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "she's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!"
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified, the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell.....pregnant when you met her."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Wed Jun 12, 2013 9:07 am

God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up comfortably while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." On and on he went, sort of like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position.
He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

Fine," God said looking back into his bag of leftovers, "Ok, what's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Thu Jun 13, 2013 9:08 am

Two Texans were eating in a restaurant when a pretty woman in a short dress near them starts to choke. The two just watched her while she was grasping her throat, turning red, and whispering for help. Finally, the one Texan turns to the other and asks. "Do you think that we should help her?" The other replies, "I suppose we ought to."

So, the first one gets up and walks over to the woman and asks her, "Are you choking?'' The woman shakes her head yes, so the Texan responds with, "Can you talk?" To this the woman shakes her head no. At that, the Texan puts his hands under her short dress and tears her panties off. He then proceeds to spin her around and begins to lick her butt.

The woman is so shocked and outraged by this that she expels the food that was caught in her throat. Then she screams at the Texan, "What the hell are you doing?" The Texan looks over at his partner and calmly states, "That hind lick maneuver sure works every time, huh?"
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Sun Jun 16, 2013 11:58 am

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*ck herself."
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Re: Over 18s jokes - post here

Post by Fuggsy » Mon Jun 17, 2013 9:08 am

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits the bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours
the beer and says "That will be £3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again." The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be £7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage
to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live! "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.
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