Clean jokes - post 'em here

The light-hearted side of life
xxxraichxxx
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Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by xxxraichxxx » Mon May 18 2020 5:34pm

My Grandad always lived in poverty and only ever owned one black suit, he always used to tell my Mum that when he died he would like to be buried in a ‘blue suit’
Of course money was tight so that was never going to happen, anyway when he did finally pass away and he was resting in the funeral parlour wearing his ‘black suit’ my Mum told the funeral director the sad story about Grandad only having a black suit and always wanting to be buried in a ‘ blue suit’.
Two days later when my Mum went back to close the coffin she saw my Grandad laying there in a ‘blue suit’ of course she burst into tears at this miracle and asked the funeral director‘what’s going on?’
‘Well’ he said ‘not long after you left we had another old boy come in who only ever owned a ’blue suit’ and he had always wanted to be buried in a ’black suit’ so...
I JUST SWAPPED THEIR HEADS OVER!

(Continued from this thread)
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by expressman33 » Tue May 19 2020 1:38pm

Just said to baker in Sainsbury’s "How come all your cakes are 50p, but that one is £1?"....
He said, "That's Madeira cake!"....
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by xxxraichxxx » Wed May 20 2020 8:43am

Just want to congratulate my niece on passing her mouth organ test.
Well done our Monica
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Wed May 20 2020 11:06am

I brought a bottle of that new Batman shampoo.

And some conditioner Gordon.
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by xxxraichxxx » Thu May 21 2020 12:11am

What do you call a Chicken staring at a lettuce?

Chicken Sees a Salad!

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Thu May 21 2020 11:47am

Dear Ma & Da,

I am very well, I hope you are too. How are things on the farm? Tell the brothers I said hello and I'm having a great time on holiday.

I was a bit slow settling down because you're forced to lie in until 6am, then all you do before breakfast is make your bed, shine your boots and clean your clothes - No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing. The showers are good as they're indoors and there's hot water - and even a light to see what you’re doing. The food's OK, but no pig's face and not enough cabbage at breakfast and you don't get fed again until noon, but by that time all the city boys are banjaxed because we've been on what they call a 'route march', a bit like walking into town for your ciggies.

Sean and Pat will die laughing, but they keep giving me medals for shooting!! I don’t know why because the targets don't move or shoot back and you don't even have to load your own cartridges – they give you full boxes for nothing! Sometimes we wrestle, but I have to be very careful with the city boys because they break easy. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either - I only got beaten once by this big fella from Cork, but they use him as a tank most days.

All in all, I can't complain about Army life - tell the boys to get in quick before the jobs are all gone.

Your loving daughter,
Siobhan.
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Thu May 21 2020 11:50am

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 30

Start by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 2kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bags.

Next, try 10kg potato bags and then eventually move on to lift a 25kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

Then, if you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by kevinchess1 » Thu May 21 2020 1:29pm

I had a meal at the pub around the corner. Horse and Hounds. I won't be ordering that again...
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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by macliam » Thu May 21 2020 6:07pm

kevinchess1 wrote:
Thu May 21 2020 1:29pm
I had a meal at the pub around the corner. Horse and Hounds. I won't be ordering that again...
Well, the Slug and Lettuce is no better..... :sick:
Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get me

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Re: Clean jokes - post 'em here

Post by IDSIS » Fri May 22 2020 11:59am

I found bat wings in KFC. :shock:

The wife hates it when I call her that. :?

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