Clean jokes - 2011

[kevinchess1]

So I rang Nicky Cleg and said
'Can you send me a copy of yer manifesto?'
'We've sold out' He replys
'I know but Can you send me a copy of yer manifesto?'

[Mel]

Welcome to North East television
at 10.oo we have the all of the highights from SunderWho V Hull
at 10.06 a corrie double bill

I assume those times include two lots of ad breaks?

[kevinchess1]

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees
this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat
is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death,
and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open
revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh
God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from
above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of
God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not
believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well,
that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you
make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the
heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to
close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes
and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I
am about to receive..."

[kevinchess1]

Respect your elders.
They made it through school without Google or Wikipedia

[Mel]

I am just back from the gym.

They have a brand new machine there - but I could only manage to use it for 30 minutes before feeling sick.

It was brilliant though - it does everything. ...........................










Mars Bars..... Crisps........ Snickers....... The lot.

[kevinchess1]

Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window? A:
Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A:Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A:Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

[kevinchess1]

There was a young couple living in an old run down house. One day the
man gets home from work and his wife says, "Honey, look at the walls.
They haven't been painted as long as we have lived here. It's peeling
and cracking; couldn't you please just paint them?"

"Who do I look like? Michelangelo?" the man replies.

"I guess not", says the wife.

The next day the man gets back from work again. Again his wife starts
to complain. "Oh sugar, couldn't you just please at least repair the
stairs? They're falling apart and they're really unsafe to walk up."

The man says, "Who do I look like? Frank Lloyd Wright?"

"Well, maybe not," says the wife.

The next week the man returns from his job. He walks into his house
and is suddenly amazed. The stairs are fixed, the walls were painted
and the house looked superb. "Honey.....How did you do this? It looks
great!" he says. "Well I met up with a handyman down the street. He
offered to repair our house if I either bake him a batch of brownies
or sleep with him" says the wife.

"Well, honey, you baked the batch of brownies, right?"

The wife replies, "Who do I look like, Delia Smith?"

[kevinchess1]

Fifteen Steps to Build a Campfire

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.

2. Bandage left thumb.

3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments

4. Bandage left foot.

5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand).

6. Light Match.

7. Light Match.

8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.

9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into
base of fire.

10. Apply burn ointment to nose.

11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.

12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for
more wood, soak wood from can labeled "Petrol."

13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

14. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.

15. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps 1-14.

[kevinchess1]

In an attempt to get more children to speaker betta English like wot he does,
Mel is visiting an Primary school today and he visits one
of the Year 4 classes. They are in the middle of a discussion
related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks Mel if he would like to lead the class in
the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So Mel asks the class
for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives
next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him
over, that would be a tragedy."

"No" says Mel, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a
tragedy."

"I'm afraid not" explains Mel. "That's what we would call a
GREAT LOSS." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
Mel searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me
an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his
hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If a plane, carrying you and
wife, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens,
that would be a tragedy.

"Correct" exclaims Mel, "that's right. And can you tell me
WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," Lil' Johnny said, "because, like you just told us, it wouldn't
be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."

[HeadHunter]

I had a crazy dream last night that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like 0mg.